For any of you who saw the Check, Please with the adorably awkward, funny Jewish guy, the other kind of strange Jewish guy, and the Botoxed personal trainer, (Fat Willy's) I'm almost positive that this is the same Nathan Rabin.

Brief, Partially True Biography of 50 Cent
by Nathan Rabin



Rapper 50 Cent (real name: 50 Cents) first entered the public's consciousness after he was shot seventeen times while leaving his mother's womb. The incident shocked, horrified and confused a puzzled nation (that nation being, strangely enough, Iceland), and it wasn't long before the rapper/infant was selling crack to other newborns and several very self-destructive fetuses.

By the time he was old enough to walk, 50 had been arrested six times, shot at nine times and dueled publicly with the kid from the Life cereal commercials whose head exploded when he ate Pop Rocks and drank Coca-Cola at the same time. An average student with a gift for being stabbed and shot, 50 soon came to the attention of legendary DJ Jam Master Jay, who was extremely impressed by Mr. Cent's ability to survive multiple stabbings and gunshot wounds and to a much lesser extent, his rapping ability.

Mr. Cent signed a lucrative record deal with Hollywood Records in the early nineties, only to watch his entire label die in a flurry of gunshots meant for him. After mourning their deaths for the better part of an afternoon, Cent rebounded by releasing the single "How To Rob," which explored a subject with universal appeal: how badly Ja Rule sucks. A good sport accustomed to light-hearted ribbing, Rule proved he could take a joke by stabbing 50 repeatedly.

After years of waiting and recuperating, Mr. Cent's big break came when mega-star Eminem announced in a radio interview that 50 Cent was not
only his favorite rapper, but also the father of his unborn child. Cent and
Eminem were married in a small, private ceremony conducted by Little
Richard, after which the two multi-platinum rappers brutally gay-bashed the
rock legend, but not before being shot at by the entire wedding party.

One of the most frequently stabbed rappers of his era, 50 Cent today lives in New York, where he and Eminem are working on new and exciting ways to get stabbed and shot.